


You Keep Me High (Minded)

by fiddleyoumust



Category: Panic At The Disco
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-06
Updated: 2012-03-06
Packaged: 2017-11-01 13:21:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/357268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fiddleyoumust/pseuds/fiddleyoumust
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spencer tries to navigate his relationship with Brendon post band split, but Brendon's burgeoning romance with Sarah, and Spencer's own complicated feelings for Brendon make everything all the more difficult. The life of a rock star isn't everything the boys thought it would be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Keep Me High (Minded)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Verbyna](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Verbyna/gifts).



Spencer hates fairy tales. They’re bullshit, with all of their “once upon a times” and “happily ever afters”. The truth is that there are no beginnings and no endings. Spencer’s own story didn’t start with his birth and it won’t end with his death. Life is like this giant fucking web of people and places and actions that go on forever, affecting one another infinitely.

Ryan didn’t start with Spencer and he won’t end with him, but they’ve been through a lot of shit together. They’ve become the people they are in no small part because of their relationship, so the fact that Ryan won’t look him in the eye is starting to piss Spencer off.

“Fucking look at me,” Spencer finally snaps.

Ryan’s head jerks up and Spencer can see that he’s trying not to cry. Ryan doesn’t cry often. The fact that this conversation is having that effect on him shakes Spencer to his core.

“Let’s be honest,” Spencer says. “We owe one another that much.”

“I’m trying to be honest,” Ryan says.

“This isn’t a side project,” Spencer says. “You and Jon aren’t going off to do something else and then coming back.”

“We have an entire album’s worth of material that you and Brendon are refusing to even—“

“It’s not the kind of music we want to make,” Spencer interrupts. “Should we all just do another version of Pretty Odd where we compromise until nobody is happy?”

“I’m proud of that album,” Ryan says.

Spencer used to be able to communicate with Ryan without saying a word. Now, words don’t even seem to be enough for them to get on the same page.

“I’m proud of it too, but it wasn’t what any of us really wanted it to be,” Spencer says. “I’m just really tired of reinventing the band.”

Ryan smirks at the lyrical reference and nods his head.

Spencer thinks it’s fitting that they’re doing this at Del Taco over a couple of burritos. He likes circles and patterns. It seems fitting that they’re moving on to another chapter of their lives in the same place where they began the last one.

“You won’t come with us?” Ryan asks.

It never occurred to Spencer that Ryan would ask. He figures that’s answer enough.

“No,” Spencer says.

“He’s not ever going to—“ Ryan stops and looks out the window at a car pulling into a parking spot.

Spencer doesn’t know how Ryan was going to finish that sentence. There are a million possibilities.

_He’s not ever going to change. He’s not ever going to love you. He’s not ever going to be what you want him to be._

Spencer is certain that Ryan thinks he’s throwing away his future on some fantasy life with Brendon that’s never going to happen. The truth is Spencer has always done exactly what he wants. There was a time not too long ago when Spencer’s parents thought he was throwing his future away for Ryan’s sake. That wasn’t any truer than Ryan’s assumption that he’s doing it now for Brendon.

“I’m happy with my choices,” Spencer says.

Ryan looks at him for a long time and says, “I’m going to miss you.”

It’s weird to hear, because Spencer feels like Ryan’s been gone for a long time already. Spencer’s spent the last year dealing with the pain of that loss. He’s ready to move on, but just because he’s past the hurt doesn’t mean he wants Ryan to hurt.

Spencer stands up and pulls Ryan into a hug that lasts too long for the middle of a restaurant at lunch time. 

He doesn’t give a fuck. 

He hugs the man who probably knows more about him than any other person in his life. 

That won’t always be true. Spencer knows this is their road diverging. New people will come along and fill up the empty spaces and learn about them separate from one another until they know things that Ryan and Spencer will never learn about each other now. 

It’s sad and suddenly all those feelings that Spencer thought he had dealt with and put away come surging back.

He squeezes Ryan tighter and says, “I’ll miss you too.”

~~~

Spencer needs to start thinking about finding his own place.

Brendon and Sarah are getting serious enough that Brendon will probably ask her to move to LA eventually. Spencer can stand a lot of things but living with the happy couple is way out of his comfort zone.

But, for the moment, it’s kind of perfect. Spencer imagines the two of them living together is what things could be like if they were different people with different jobs and if Brendon were a little braver or wanted Spencer a little more. 

These are the things Ryan probably thinks about -- Spencer sitting at home crying over all the things he’ll never have -- but Spencer’s always been the realist in the group. He left the dreaming and the pretending to Ryan and Brendon and dealt with all the shit that was too icky and too real for the two of them.

This is what Spencer has and so this is what Spencer takes.

“Honey, I’m home,” Spencer calls.

Brendon’s house is beautiful. The furniture is all beat-up, hand-me-down shit Shane left behind when he moved in with Regan, but the actual house has great light and a lot of potential. Sarah will probably work some of her style on the place and turn it into an actual home when she moves in.

Brendon is in the living room and, from a quick glance at the empties on the coffee table, looks to have about a three-beer head start on Spencer. Spencer detours to the fridge and grabs two more beers.

“How’d it go?” Brendon asks.

“About how we expected,” Spencer says as he comes into the room. “They’re out. They’re going to record the songs they wrote on tour.”

“Fuck,” Brendon says.

Brendon downs the rest of his beer and sets it next to the growing pile of empty ones. Spencer passes him the extra he took from the fridge.

“I called Crush on the way home and they’re going to handle the legal shit. Alice said she’d fax us some things to sign and she also wants us in New York Monday to talk announcement and strategy.”

Brendon nods and keeps on nodding. Spencer doesn’t think he’s really listening anymore. Spencer sets his beer on the coffee table and kneels at Brendon’s feet.

“You need to freak out?” he asks.

Brendon says, “Maybe,” as he continues to nod.

Spencer’s resigned to everyone being shocked. He’d seen the writing on the wall during the recording for Pretty Odd. Music had always been fun for the four of them, but by the time the last album was finished it wasn’t anymore. 

Touring had been something akin to torture. Brendon and Ryan had gone from being social drinkers to using alcohol as a coping mechanism in order to be in the same room with one another. Jon was a straight-up alcoholic with a nasty streak when he didn’t get his way. The idea that they were all going to put themselves through that again for a third album had never even crossed Spencer’s mind. He doesn’t know how everyone else seems to have missed it.

“I’m worried about lyrics,” Brendon says.

Brendon is the most talented person Spencer knows. He is also the most insecure.

“We can do this,” Spencer says. “And you know what? Fuck it. I’d rather fail miserably at our own thing than spend one more minute doing something I hate.”

“Yeah,” Brendon says. “Okay.”

Brendon’s hands shake around his beer. Spencer can’t stand seeing him like this. One of the main reasons Spencer is okay with the split is that he thought he would never have to see Brendon like this again, but he should have known that was too good to be true. 

It seems that if Ryan and Jon aren’t going to be here to make Brendon feel small he’s just going to do it himself.

“Let’s get out of here,” Spencer says. “Let’s go to New York early. We can be tourists and drink too much and trash a hotel room.”

Brendon smiles and says, “That’s us – living the rock star life.”

~~~

Flying always makes Spencer pissy. He hates being cramped up with stale air and crying babies and business men who take up twice as much leg room as is necessary.

The first thing Spencer wants to do when they get to their hotel is wash the day off and then find a drink.

“I’m going to shower,” Spencer says, sliding his room key into the lock. I’ll come over when I’m done. We can go find a bar.”

Brendon’s standing at his own door, but he doesn’t do more than nod in response.

Spencer goes inside and is barely out of his shirt before there’s a knock on his door. Brendon’s head fills the peephole when Spencer checks it. He opens the door and leans against the frame.

Brendon looks at him and shrugs. He looks good – relaxed and slightly rumpled from their flight. Spencer wants to devour him.

“We’re not on tour,” Spencer says.

“I think hotels elicit a Pavlovian response,” Brendon says.

Spencer’s not going to say no, even though he probably should. They have rules for a reason and Spencer knows Brendon’s only breaking them because he’s scared and he’s needy and he knows he can use Spencer to make himself feel better about things. 

Spencer shouldn’t let him, but he’s going to anyway.

“Come on,” Spencer says.

Brendon slides out of his jacket on the way through the door. Now that he’s really looking, Spencer can see tension in Brendon’s shoulders and stiffness in his spine. Brendon drops his jacket on the dresser next to the flat-screen TV and starts unbuckling his belt.

“You going to join me or did you just want to watch?” Brendon asks.

Spencer actually does like to watch. Brendon is a performer and he knows how to put on a good show. He knows how to get attention and keep it on him. He knows what Spencer likes.

Spencer unbuttons his jeans and pushes them and his underwear down his hips in the same move. He steps out of them and sprawls stomach down on the closest bed.

“Now who’s falling behind?” 

“You had a head start,” Brendon says kicking off the last of his clothes.

Spencer smiles at him. Brendon is shameless about his body. He’s never embarrassed to be naked. It’s sort of infectious. It makes Spencer melt by degree until he rolls over onto his back and just lets Brendon look at him.

Spencer’s been well on his way to hard since he looked through the peephole in the door. One look at Brendon’s cock -- red and hard and already slick with precome – tells Spencer that Brendon’s been thinking about this for even longer. 

“Come here,” Spencer says.

Brendon crawls on the bed, throws a leg over Spencer’s body and straddles him. They kiss – sloppy and desperate. Brendon’s thumb rubs circles over Spencer’s jaw. They haven’t done this since April – since the short trip to Africa – and Spencer feels like someone just gave him water after a walk through a desert. It’s hard to want this and not have it always.

“This is probably a mistake,” Brendon says.

“Probably,” Spencer agrees.

Brendon laughs against his mouth – kisses his jaw and his neck – licks across his nipple.

“Thanks for sugar coating it, asshole.”

Spencer doesn’t want to talk anymore. He hates talking about stuff when he could be out doing it instead. He slides his fingers into Brendon’s hair and applies enough pressure that Brendon can’t mistake his intention.

“You’re always trying to shut me up with your dick,” Brendon says.

Spencer laughs and throws his free hand over his eyes as Brendon takes Spencer’s cock into his mouth. Brendon pulls off and Spencer feels him spitting on the head, making it easier for Brendon to take Spencer’s cock deeper.

Spencer loves this. He actually enjoys it more than anal. He likes pushing his cock down Brendon’s throat and holding it there until Brendon’s eyes go wide with the need to breathe. He likes the noises Brendon makes – hungry, needy little noises -- that turn Spencer on more than any of Spencer’s other sexual experiences. 

Spencer wants to fuck Brendon’s mouth. He tightens his fingers in Brendon’s hair and pulls him off in one slick move. There’s spit everywhere. It should not be as hot as it is.

Spencer gets up on his knees and kisses Brendon again. It’s scary how much Spencer wants him. He wonders if they did this all the time – if they didn’t have their stupid rules about when and where – if he would still want Brendon this badly.

Brendon whines in protest when Spencer breaks the kiss and gets off the bed. His body is already angled toward Spencer’s – like their bodies are opposing magnetic poles and Brendon can’t keep away.

“Get on your knees for me,” Spencer says. 

Brendon clambers off the bed and kneels in front of Spencer. He chews on his bottom lip and looks up at Spencer through his lashes like a coquettish school-girl. Spencer drags his dick along the seam of Brendon’s mouth until Brendon opens up for him and takes him back in.

From this angle, and with his hand back in Brendon’s hair, Spencer has all the control. He fucks Brendon’s throat ruthlessly. He doesn’t get to do this all that often. They have a strict “tour only” rule about fucking and Brendon needs his throat undamaged in order to go out and sing every night. Spencer has every intention of taking full advantage of the current situation.

He and Brendon keep eye contact. Spencer pushes his cock into Brendon’s mouth until Brendon’s nose is buried in Spencer’s pubes. Brendon doesn’t struggle – just relaxes his throat and takes Spencer’s cock until Spencer sees tears building in the corners of his eyes. 

Spencer pulls all the way out and Brendon gasps wetly for breath. He repeats the process until Brendon’s tears are overflowing in a steady stream down Brendon’s face. Spencer pulls out for the last time and wraps his hand around his cock.

“Look at me,” Spencer says, even though Brendon already is.

He’s openly crying now. He’s beautiful and fucked up and Spencer loves him more than he loves any other person on earth. He plays with himself for another minute before he comes. 

It splashes across Brendon’s face and mixes with his tears perfectly. Spencer actually feels a little angry once he’s spent. He wants to do it again just as soon as his cock recovers.

He goes to his knees instead and pulls Brendon close – licking across his cheek and wrapping his hand around Brendon’s dick. Brendon doesn’t last long with Spencer licking his own come off Brendon’s face while he jacks him off.

Brendon grunts when he comes -- slicking Spencer’s hand – making the slide easier. Spencer works him through it and then moves them both back on the bed where Brendon curls against him and falls asleep on top of the sheets, still covered in a mixture of both their come. 

Spencer drifts off thinking about what they’ll do when they wake up.

~~~

Their management team thinks the best thing to do, pre-announcement, is line up a tour for the summer.

“We don’t have any new material,” Brendon says.

They’ve been with Crush since the beginning and Alice is almost always the person who deals with them. Spencer trusts her to have their best interests in mind.

“The fans are going to freak out,” Alice says. “There’s nothing we can do about that, but we can reassure them that you guys are still here by getting you out there and getting you some exposure.”

It makes sense to Spencer but Brendon’s right. They don’t have new material.

“So, how would this work?” Spencer asks.

“I talked to Pete this afternoon. Blink 182 is going to do a tour this summer and they’re taking different bands out on rotation to open for them. They’ve asked Fall Out Boy and they’ve expressed an interest in you guys as well.”

“That could work,” Spencer says. “We’d be first opener?”

“I think second,” Alice says. “There will be a smaller band before you and Fall Out Boy after you.”

“We still don’t have any new songs,” Brendon says.

“I’m working on that,” Alice says. “For now, go home and think about what you want to say to the fans. We’ll need to post that to the website in a couple of weeks.”

“What about Ryan and Jon?” Spencer asks.

Alice says, “We’re handling them,” in such a clipped and business-like fashion that Spencer has no doubt they’re being handled. “Go on home and we’ll be in touch.”

Brendon makes it halfway to the door and then asks, “What about touring musicians?”

“We can give you some names but it’s ultimately your decision.”

Spencer already knows they’ll ask Ian. He’s not sure they’re going to get the answer they want, since Ian’s been really vocal about doing his own music, but Spencer also knows Brendon can be really persuasive. Bass is another thing altogether. Thinking about it leaves a bad taste in Spencer’s mouth. Bass players haven’t exactly been lucky for them so far.

~~~

A week after Spencer and Brendon get home Alice calls with the name and the number of a guy who might be the answer to their bass player problem.

Dallon Weekes turns out to be just what they’re looking for. He’s laid back and funny and he and Brendon hit it off instantly. They spend most of what is supposed to be Dallon’s audition looking at Tumblr and YouTube. It sort of reminds Spencer of Brendon’s audition back in high school, only with fewer Gollum impressions and more Funny or Die.com.

Spencer is always a little more cautious than Brendon but even he can admit Dallon is charming and easy-going and also easy on the eyes. This is not necessarily a requirement, but Spencer is shallow enough to appreciate a good view when one presents itself.

They hang out for a few hours before Brendon excuses himself to take a call from Sarah.

“Girlfriend?” Dallon asks.

“Yeah,” Spencer says. 

“What about you?” Dallon asks.

Spencer thinks about not answering. Talking about Haley is exhausting and talking about Brendon is impossible.

“I just got out of a serious relationship at the end of last year,” Spencer says.

Dallon pulls his wallet out and shows Spencer his daughter and his wife. Spencer thinks Dallon will be a good fit, personality-wise, but he’s not sure how tour life is going to fit Dallon.

“How do you feel about being on the road for extended periods of time?” Spencer asks.

“My wife is amazing,” Dallon says. “She wants me to be able to make a living doing something I love, so we’ll make it work.”

Being stuck in a bus with people you aren’t comfortable with makes for a really shitty tour. Spencer’s been there and done that and he had no intention of repeating the process again. If this is going to work, he knows he needs to be upfront about everything and allow Dallon to make his own decision with all of the facts laid out in front of him.

“I want to make sure you would be comfortable with us so, full disclosure,” Spencer says. “We both drink. Brendon tends to drink a lot, both on stage and off. We both smoke -- both legal and illegal substances -- but we can be respectful and do the illegal one out of your presence if it bothers you.”

“I don’t drink or smoke or really even curse if I can help it,” Dallon says. “But that’s mostly just because of upbringing and a lack of personal desire to change it. I’m not judgmental about any of that stuff.”

“I just don’t want you to get out there with us and then be sorry you’re going to be stuck on a bus with us for weeks at a time.”

“It shouldn’t be a problem,” Dallon says.

Spencer feels a combination of relief and excitement. He likes forward momentum. He likes progress and finding a bass player is another step forward. 

Things are looking up.

“Well,” Spencer says. “If you want the job it’s yours.”

~~~

It always takes Spencer a little while to adjust to tour life. It’s not the bus or moving from city to city or meeting new people that throws Spencer. It’s the small adjustments between himself and the people who have dual roles in his life. It’s weird taking people out of the private setting of home and barbeques and weekends spent at Disneyland and plunking them down in the middle of tour life – transitioning people from friends to work-friends or -- in Brendon’s case – friend to whatever the fuck they become when they’re out on the road.

Still, it ends up being the transition with Zack that is the strangest. Zack’s job is the biggest and most intricate on tour. He has to be organized and firm and authoritative in order to get them where they need to go when they need to go there. Spencer imagines it’s uncomfortable for him to have to tell people who are ten years younger than him, and also technically his bosses, what to do and where to go and when to be there. Spencer also considers Zack to be one of his best friends, so the whole thing is just strange and awkward and it takes Spencer a few days to get on the same page as everyone else.

“I might need you to intervene,” Zack says.

This is one of those instances where the dynamic has changed. Brendon is way past three sheets to the wind and currently hanging on Dallon, who is a nice guy but whom they also don’t really know all that well yet. Spencer’s not sure how comfortable Dallon is with the lead singer of the band he just signed on with hanging all over him at this early stage.

If they were at home Zack would haul Brendon off somewhere and give him some water and some Advil and send him to bed, but now Zack is their employee. Now, Zack has to watch where he treads because Brendon is drunk and stupid and this is Zack’s job, his livelihood, the thing that pays his bills every month.

“I’ll handle it,” Spencer says.

On approach, Dallon doesn’t seem especially horrified or traumatized -- which Spencer counts as a win -- but Brendon is unashamedly flirting with him and Spencer can’t imagine that Dallon has missed that fact.

“Brendon,” Spencer says.

Brendon has always been a sloppy drunk. He just used to not get drunk quite this much. Spencer doesn’t know if it’s something he should worry about yet. The wounds from the split are still fresh and Brendon’s under a lot of self-inflicted pressure over the new album. 

Spencer knows Brendon is nervous about taking on lyrical duties but there’s not much Spencer can do to assure him that everything is going to be okay. All the shit that’s happened over the last few months has Spencer wanting to make excuses for Brendon, but sexual harassment is not really the kind of thing that’s excusable under any circumstances.

Spencer also doesn’t want Dallon to get the wrong idea about Brendon. He isn’t usually like this – actually, he _is_ like this now – but Spencer’s known him a long time and he hasn’t _always_ been.

“Spence,” Brendon says sloppily.

He tries to stand up and fails miserably. Dallon has to grab on to him to keep him from hitting the ground.

“He’s pretty drunk,” Dallon says.

“That’s an understatement,” Spencer says. “Can you help me get him back to the bus?”

“This isn’t going to lead to a kinky threesome is it?” Dallon asks.

Spencer really likes Dallon. He’s funny and sarcastic and, so far, really accepting of Brendon, which seems vitally important after the emotional clusterfuck of their decimated relationships with Jon and Ryan.

“Only if you want it to,” Spencer says, deadpan.

“I’m not sure Breezy would be down with that, but it’s nice to know you think I’m attractive enough to warrant interest,” Dallon says.

Brendon picks that moment to puke on his shoes. Brendon is a champion drinker so he’s even further gone than Spencer suspected if he’s already puking up the contents of his stomach.

“Okay,” Spencer says. “It’s time for a shower and sleep.”

Dallon helps Spencer drag Brendon the short distance to the bus. Brendon is practically asleep on his feet but he’s also got puke on his shoes and the cuffs of his jeans. As much as Spencer would like to throw Brendon in his bunk and let him suffer the consequences of dried puke, this is a shared space and he’d only be making them all suffer the smell of Brendon’s overindulgence.

“You need help with him?” Dallon asks.

Spencer would actually like Dallon to stick around past this tour. They’re going to need a bass player that they like and want to spend months at a time on the road with. Asking Dallon to help him strip Brendon and get him into the shower might be too much on the third day of tour.

“I got it,” Spencer says. “But thanks.”

“No problem,” Dallon says.

Brendon is so pliable that it actually makes getting his clothes off harder in the limited space of the bus.

“You are such a terrible drunk,” Spencer says.

“You like it,” Brendon slurs. “Makes me slutty.”

Brendon lays a sloppy kiss at the corner of Spencer’s mouth. It’s wet and slobbery and it makes Spencer laugh.

“Tomorrow I’m going to remind you that you broke and made the first move,” Spencer says.

“Dunno why we always wait so long anyway,” Brendon says.

Spencer wants to point out that it’s been three days and they’ve been kind of busy with settling into the tour and they’re also traveling with people who are so far unaware of the fact that they occasionally get naked together and share orgasms, but Brendon is too drunk to have an actual conversation with.

“Mmm,” Spencer says as he unbuckles Brendon’s belt and pulls his t-shirt up over his head.

It seems like the most appropriate response and is probably the only thing Brendon will understand right now.

“Let’s get you into the shower,” Spencer says.

Brendon puts his palm over the growing bulge in Spencer’s jeans and says, “Or we could do something about this.”

Brendon smells disgusting -- like puke and sour sweat and whiskey – and Spencer should not be the slightest bit turned on right now. Later, when Brendon is not a drunk mess writhing against him, Spencer is going to give himself a stern talking-to about his hair-trigger reaction to Brendon being in any state of undress.

“Shower first,” Spencer says in the hopes that Brendon will be well on his way to passed out by the time they finish getting him clean.

The shower goes surprisingly well. Brendon mostly slumps against Spencer in the tiny bus shower and lets Spencer soap him up and rinse him off. It’s all very technical and completely unsexy. By the time they’re done Spencer’s dick is behaving itself again.

After Brendon’s mostly dried off Spencer steers him toward the bunks. Ian and Brendon are the shortest and easiest to maneuver so they took the top bunks, but the idea of hoisting and shoving Brendon up there is exhausting. Spencer opts to stick him in his bunk instead.

“Come with me,” Brendon begs pulling on Spencer’s arm.

Spencer doesn’t want to argue with him. It’ll be easier just to lie with him until Brendon falls asleep and then he can crawl up into Brendon’s bunk afterward. They’ve slept together countless times in both sexual and nonsexual instances. It’s easy to jam himself in beside Brendon – to wrap an arm around him and be lulled by the noises of the gathering still going on outside.

“I wish I wasn’t so drunk,” Brendon says. “I really want to blow you.”

Spencer bites the back of Brendon’s neck gently and says, “Tomorrow.”

“Okay,” Brendon says. “I’m sorry.”

Brendon sounds so small suddenly. Spencer doesn’t know where any of this is coming from – the excessive drinking or the obvious fear – but talking about it right now isn’t going to do any good. Spencer makes a mental note to find a private moment tomorrow to bring it up.

“Shh,” he says. “It’s okay.”

He rubs circles over Brendon’s stomach and matches up their breathing until Brendon goes to sleep. Once he’s sure Brendon’s asleep he untangles himself reluctantly, presses a kiss to Brendon’s shoulder, and heaves himself into Brendon’s bunk to try and find some sleep of his own.

~~~

The problem with touring is that it’s impossible to carve out a private moment. Spencer’s day consists of long stretches of downtime that revolve around the few frantic hours of a performance but no matter how busy he is at any given moment there are always people around.

He doesn’t manage to get Brendon alone until almost a full week into the tour.

“Come with me,” Spencer says.

He drags Brendon around the venue for a few minutes. During their Circus tour they played some pretty big places but the venues Blink is playing puts those places to shame. It’s nice to know that Spencer can still be awed by the size of a crowd. It’s nice to know the whole “rock star” gig hasn’t made him jaded and bitter yet.

“Where are you taking me?” Brendon asks.

“I wanted to show you something cool,” Spencer says.

Brendon looks at him out of the corner of his eye and smiles.

“I hope you’re not talking about your dick,” he says. “Because I’ve seen it already.”

“But it is pretty cool,” Spencer says.

Brendon doesn’t say anything in response but he’s still smiling.

There are venue workers milling around everywhere but they’re all busy getting ready for the chaos about to descend upon them. Zack will be looking for them in an hour or two for their M&G, but for right now they’re free to do whatever they want and no one is paying any attention to them.

Spencer takes them around to the side of the building where there’s scaffolding next to a high concrete wall. Spencer noticed some venue staff sitting up there smoking earlier and figured it was as good a place as any to hide in plain sight.

“Wanna come up and smoke with me?” Spencer asks waving his pack of Marlboros around.

“You want to climb a wall and smoke some cigarettes?” Brendon asks.

Spencer doesn’t answer. He steps up on the scaffold and starts to climb. Brendon can’t resist climbing on things, putting himself in danger, or a dare.

“You’re not scared, are you?” Spencer asks as he reaches the top and pulls himself up on the wall.

Brendon is already half-way up himself. He clambers onto the wall next to Spencer and holds out his hand for a smoke.

Spencer can see out over the venue from their position. It’s fucking huge and by the time they play tonight it will be filled to capacity. It’s mind-blowing how many people that is.

“You okay?” Spencer asks.

“Is this a pep talk?” 

“I’m concerned,” Spencer says.

Brendon can be a defensive little shit. The more concern a person shows the more Brendon feels like he needs to prove just how okay he is. Which apparently, in his mind, translates to acting like a total asshole.

“I’m fine,” Brendon says.

Brendon takes a long drag off his cigarette and ashes it over the side of the wall. Some of the ashes float back and land on his jeans. Brendon rubs them in with the palm of his hand.

“It’s just not what I expected,” Brendon says.

“The tour?”

“No… I mean. None of it, really.”

Brendon hasn’t tried anything with Spencer since the night he had too much to drink. Spencer doesn’t think this is about them, but he knows Brendon and Sarah are getting to a level of seriousness that Brendon’s never had with any girl he’s dated before. Spencer resigned himself long ago to the fact that he and Brendon weren’t going to get married in Connecticut and grow old together. He knows he’s going to have to give him up eventually, but he’s not ready yet.

“Is this about us?” Spencer asks. 

Brendon rubs his thumb along Spencer’s hand and says, “No.”

“We’re probably going to need to talk about that eventually,” Spencer says.

“Eventually,” Brendon says.

This is not the time or place to get into it, so Spencer lets it go. He’s not going to draw Brendon into what might possibly be the most serious discussion of their life on top of a wall in the middle of Hershey Pennsylvania. It’ll keep until they’re back in California.

“When is Sarah coming out?” Spencer asks.

They only have another week. Spencer looks forward to the bubble of tour where Spencer can pretend Brendon is his. 

“Chicago,” Brendon says.

Chicago is in two days and then Sarah will stay with them until Detroit where Brendon will go spend time with her family and Spencer will go home to Brendon’s empty house and feed Brendon’s dog.

“Get a hotel with me tomorrow,” Spencer says. “Just for a few hours.”

He feels stupid and needy, neither of which are things he’s comfortable feeling. His feelings for Brendon are really starting to fuck with his head.

“Okay,” Brendon says.

Spencer doesn’t want to think about how easily Brendon agreed – how easy it is for him to fuck Spencer and then roll out of bed and look Sarah in the eye.

Of course, it’s not hard for Spencer either. 

They’re both terrible, terrible people.

~~~

Spencer puts Brendon on his back on the king-sized bed and lubes up two fingers. Spencer loves looking at him -- loves the way Brendon’s skin feels under his palms -- loves him.

Brendon’s tight and tense around Spencer’s first finger. Spencer doesn’t remember the last time they fucked like this – naked and in a bed. It’s possible that Brendon’s been fucked since then anyway, but that’s something Spencer doesn’t want to think about too much.

“When’s the last time you did this?” Spencer asks.

Apparently his mouth is ignoring his brain.

Brendon gives him a funny look and says, “Weren’t you there?”

Spencer slides a second finger in and moves them slowly until Brendon flinches and makes an appreciative noise. Spencer kisses Brendon’s knee and moves his fingers again.

“I don’t actually remember when it was,” Spencer says sheepishly.

“Are you saying I’m a forgettable fuck?” Brendon asks.

It’s getting harder for Brendon to speak. Spencer likes it – likes the way he loses control under Spencer’s hands – the way he forgets how to form coherent sentences.

“Let’s find out,” Spencer says.

Spencer fucks him slowly with long, deep thrusts. Brendon writhes underneath him. He locks his legs around Spencer’s waist and tries to get Spencer to move faster but Spencer is determined to make this last. 

This feels like the end of something. 

Spencer can see the writing on the wall. Sarah is probably going to move to LA, which means Spencer will need to move out. They’ll be going into the studio when they get home and old rules will apply, plus the whole “tours only” thing was originally put into place for Spencer’s benefit back when he was living with Haley in Vegas. It was a way for him to rationalize sleeping with Brendon.

He’s not sure they’re going to be doing this anymore but Spencer doesn’t want to think about that right now either, not with Brendon underneath him. Spencer is getting exceedingly good at sticking his head in the sand and ignoring everything he doesn’t want to deal with. It’s the kind of behavior that would annoy Spencer in anyone else. He wonders what it means that he’s willing to become this person he hates just for a couple of stolen moments with Brendon.

Brendon makes a frustrated noise and tries to move himself against Spencer’s cock.

“Jesus Christ,” Brendon says. “Will you just fuck me already?”

Brendon sounds so cranky that it makes Spencer laugh against Brendon’s neck. He puts his wandering thoughts away and focuses on the moment – on Brendon.

“Ask me nicely,” Spencer says.

He punctuates the end of his sentence with a slow roll of his hips. He’s getting to the point where this isn’t enough for him either. He wants to shove Brendon into the mattress and fuck him hard, but he can hold off long enough to torture Brendon a little bit more.

Brendon must be more desperate than Spencer thought because he just asks, “Will you please fuck me?”

Spencer kisses him hard and picks up the pace of his thrusts. Sometimes Brendon makes him so desperate that what Spencer feels for him borders on violence. Crazy shit runs through his head. Spencer grabs Brendon’s hands and pins them roughly above Brendon’s head mostly to keep him from doing something stupid like biting Brendon’s neck – marking him up for Sarah to see later.

Brendon struggles against him a little – not trying to get free – just trying to test how much Spencer is restricting his movement.

“Come like this,” Spencer says.

Brendon bites his bottom lip and strains toward Spencer’s thrusts. Spencer can feel the tension in his body. He’s chasing after his orgasm. He’s right there on the edge but Spencer’s not giving him enough.

“Talk to me,” Spencer says. “What do you need?”

“Harder,” Brendon pants. “And more.”

Spencer pulls almost all the way out and slams back in and watches Brendon’s eyes close and his nostrils flare. He does it again and again and again until Brendon cries out and comes.

Spencer’s desperate. He’s so close that the act of pulling out of Brendon’s body is almost enough to push him over the edge but he wants to mark Brendon. He wants to see what they just did on Brendon’s skin. 

Spencer rips off the condom, fists his cock, and comes all over Brendon’s stomach – his own semen mixing with Brendon’s until Spencer can’t tell them apart anymore.

He collapses next to Brendon and pulls him close. They don’t have much time. Spencer’s alarm is set on his phone but Spencer knows they have to head back soon. Zack knows better than to ask questions he doesn’t really want the answers to but other people will be looking for them soon too and Zack won’t be able to cover for them forever.

“I’m going to fall asleep,” Brendon says.

“Go ahead,” Spencer says. “My alarm is on. I’ll wake you up.”

“K,” Brendon says. 

He falls asleep with his face pressed against Spencer’s shoulder. Spencer watches him until his alarm goes off.

~~~

Spencer never technically moved out of his house in Vegas. It’s been sitting there empty since Haley left him last Thanksgiving. It’s possible for Spencer to just move back in there. His family is in Vegas and his house is in Vegas, even if his band is in LA.

Brendon is in LA. 

Sarah is also in LA, supposedly for a visit, but Spencer knows that’s just temporary. Things are moving fast between her and Brendon, so when Zack mentions going to clean out the storage room in Vegas Spencer goes with him.

“You want to go by the house?” Zack asks.

“I’m thinking about moving back,” Spencer says.

Zack’s face doesn’t change and he doesn’t say anything but Spencer can tell when Zack is being silently judgmental.

“What?” he asks.

“Start dating again,” Zack says.

This is Zack speak for “stop following Brendon around like a lost puppy and move the fuck on with your life”. 

“I’m not interested in anyone,” Spencer says.

“If only that were true,” Zack says.

They don’t talk again for another hour and only then because Spencer has to pee.

Going through the storage room is like opening a box from Spencer’s childhood. There are pictures and props and costumes that Spencer had forgotten about but which evoke sweet half-memories that are only completely lovely because of their fogginess.

“We could make a shit ton of money off some of this stuff,” Spencer says. “The rose vest alone would fetch a pretty penny.”

“God, Ryan was a prissy little bitch about that thing.”

“Ryan was a prissy bitch about a lot of things,” Spencer says.

“I still miss him sometimes,” Zack says.

It really is funny how distance makes the heart grow fonder. Spencer’s been missing him too.

“I should call him,” Spencer says.

“Me too,” Zack says.

They end up throwing most of the stuff away and pack what little they want to keep in boxes to ship to LA. Spencer suggests food, so they pick up Chinese on the way to Spencer’s house.

Everything inside is dusty. There’s still dog hair on the floor and a framed picture of Spencer and Haley on the table in the hallway. Spencer’s mother came and cleaned out the fridge and freezer for him but Spencer was supposed to hire a maid service to come in and clean the rest of the place.

“We can find a hotel if it’s too weird for you,” Zack says.

“No,” Spencer says. “It’s fine for one night.”

He already knows he can’t move back here, though. It’s like looking at someone else’s life. Spencer isn’t this person anymore.

“I think Joe is still looking for a roommate,” Zack says. “I could call and ask him.”

Spencer sets their food on the kitchen table and says, “Yeah. Thanks.”

~~~

The album goes slower than they anticipated, but it’s better in a lot of ways. Spencer can see Brendon getting more confident with each song.

Spencer moving out helped too, even if Brendon won’t admit it. Brendon had been pissed when Spencer first mentioned moving in with Joe, but it’s been two months and Sarah still hasn’t gone back to Detroit. 

Spencer was in the way and also a constant reminder of an album looming over their heads. Settling into his life with Sarah has been exactly the distraction Brendon needs from the stress of writing and recording.

“Should we ask Dallon to record some of the bass for us?” Brendon asks.

It’s crossed Spencer’s mind too. Dallon has quickly become one of their favorite people. It’s still too soon to talk about replacing anyone permanently and they’re both determined to do this album on their own. It’s that simple admission that makes Spencer’s first instinct to say no, but he also doesn’t want Brendon to be overwhelmed.

Brendon is writing lyrics and co-writing music and recording vocals, guitar, and bass. If he needs Dallon then Spencer isn’t going to fight him over it.

“Do you need him?” Spencer asks.

“Nah,” Brendon says. “I just don’t want him to go find another band. I’d like to take him out with us next year.”

“You want to offer him something permanent?” Spencer asks.

He’s a little surprised. It’s good, though. It feels like they’re finally letting go of the past and moving on to something new.

“I’m not saying that,” Brendon says. “I just want to give him something to do so he knows we haven’t forgotten about him.”

“I’ll give him a call,” Spencer says.

~~~

Something happens to Brendon during the long months of recording. Spencer’s always been the one to deal with the business aspect of the band. Ryan hated it and Brendon never seemed particularly interested and by the time Jon came along it was pretty much deemed Spencer’s job.

Suddenly Brendon is all about taking meetings and using social media and talking promotion strategies. They both want to make a good album but Brendon’s going at it like he has something to prove. 

They secure Dallon for a tour and set up a February concert for their fan club -- for all the people who stuck with them and trusted them to make the time and the money they invested in Panic worthwhile. 

“What about Ian?” Spencer asks.

It’s a possibility Ian won’t want to quit his current project to come and play other people’s music. Spencer respects that, but it does present the problem of finding a guitar player. The great thing about Ian is that he’s so good it frees Brendon up to run around the stage like a 4-year-old after too many Pixie Stix.

“He’s in,” Brendon says. “He’s sort of put himself in an awkward situation that he needs to escape.”

The last time Ian had to leave a band was a direct result of Brendon fucking the girlfriend of said band’s drummer. Bands are incestuous, co-dependent groups, where everyone is going around doing things they shouldn’t and everyone else is covering it up for them. Spencer and Brendon are no exception. Ian making excuses for Brendon’s shitty behavior wasn’t met with much enthusiasm from the rest of the band. 

“Awkward,” as a result, tends to be code for “fucked somebody they shouldn’t have”.

“Who did he fuck?” Spencer asks.

“Ren,” Brendon says. “That wouldn’t be so bad if he wasn’t sleeping with other people without her knowledge.”

Spencer is in no position to judge someone for sleeping with their lead singer and -- even if it’s a little selfish -- Spencer can’t help but be glad that Ian’s coming on tour with them again.

“When did you talk to him?” Spencer asks.

Brendon is organizing instruments in the hopes that it will help him figure out which guitars he wants to take to New York next month.

“Um… last week sometime?” Brendon says uncertainly. 

“You’ve been quite the overachiever.”

“I like staying busy,” Brendon says.

That’s a lie. Brendon is perfectly content to sleep until 2 p.m., at which point he starts drinking and spends the rest of his day playing Black Ops and watching The Soup.

“Since when?” Spencer asks.

Brendon hesitates for a second and says, “Sarah’s driving me kind of crazy.”

Spencer can’t think of anything he wants to hear less than Brendon’s co-habitation problems with Sarah. He also doesn’t want his personal feelings about Brendon to get in the way of the band or his burgeoning friendship with Sarah. It’s not Sarah’s fault she’s dating a dickhead who Spencer happens to be in love with.

“My mom says she’s nesting or some crap but mostly that means she’s moving everything around so that I can’t find anything. She painted the bathroom purple. She claims it’s lavender -- whatever the fuck that means -- but it’s fucking purple.”

Spencer can’t help laughing. He remembers Haley doing the same thing when she moved into the Vegas house, only now the memory makes him nostalgic instead of annoyed.

“You’re a terrible friend,” Brendon says.

“Aw,” Spencer says slinging an arm around Brendon’s shoulder and pulling him into a hug. “Come on and I’ll buy you a little liquid courage so you can go home and face your lavender bathroom like a man.”

~~~

Spencer can’t stop thinking about Haley after that.

There were good reasons for why they broke up. They were too young and Spencer was gone all the time and also in love with someone else. Spencer’s not so young anymore and Haley is living her own life in Chicago now instead of occupying the empty spaces of Spencer’s life. Spencer is still in love with someone else, but he’s pretty sure that’s hopeless and also never going to change. Spencer’s only options are to try to get over it or spend the rest of his life pining after someone who is already taken.

It’s not like they didn’t have a window of opportunity. There was a month after Haley left and before Sarah came along when they were free to do this thing for real and neither of them took it. Spencer kept thinking Brendon would come to him when he was ready and then Sarah came along and put them right back where they’d been when Spencer had been dating Haley.

Spencer gets drunk and then he calls her.

“Hello, Spencer,” she says.

Caller ID is fucking creepy.

“Full disclosure,” Spencer says. “I’m pretty drunk.”

“I would expect nothing less,” Haley says.

Haley is a real asshole at heart which is why Spencer liked her so much. She’s got a sense of humor sharp enough to draw blood and a temperament sweet enough to put Band Aids on afterward.

“How have you been?” Spencer asks.

“Good,” Haley says. “Busy with school and the dogs. You?”

“I’m good. We’re about to release the next album.”

“I heard,” Haley says. “I keep up with Keltie and Cassie and they feed me little things through the grapevine. I’m happy for you.”

They’re both quiet for a few seconds. Spencer hates the phone. He wishes they were in the same room so he could see her face.

“How’s Brendon?” Haley finally asks.

“He’s good,” Spencer says. “He and his girlfriend moved in together and I’m living with Joe now.”

“Oh,” Haley says. “I always figured the two of you would –“

There’s no way Haley knows anything. There’s no possible way, but suddenly Spencer wishes she did. Everything got so terrible between them towards the end and Spencer can admit now that it was mostly his fault. He was so tired of fighting the band and her and his feelings for Brendon that he can admit he treated her like shit. She deserved better. She deserved to know it wasn’t her fault.

“We lived together for a little while when I first came out to LA, but Brendon’s making a legitimate run at adulthood now.”

“Will wonders never cease,” Haley says.

Spencer says, “It’s good to hear your voice. I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately.”

“It’s good to hear from you too,” Haley says.

“I was thinking yesterday about the time you painted our living room that yellow color that looked like dried snot.”

Haley laughs and it’s just like Spencer remembers it. They spend another two hours reminiscing.

“You should come out and see me,” Spencer says.

He holds his breath until she answers.

“Yeah, I think I’d like that,” she says.

~~~

Spencer gets back together with Haley. She’s still living in Chicago and will be for at least another year to finish school. The band is gearing up for their summer tour. It’s not going to be easy, but Spencer really wants to try again.

He tells Brendon over drinks – just swallows back a sip of Jack and Coke and says, “Haley and I got back together.”

Brendon drinks his Jack neat. He gulps it down and waves at the bartender for another.

“That’s… wow. I didn’t even know you were talking again.”

“I called her a few months ago. She came out for the weekend a while back and I don’t know – It’s good,” Spencer says.

Spencer’s honestly interested in Brendon’s reaction to the news. He shouldn’t be. He shouldn’t give a fuck what Brendon thinks about his relationship with Haley, but there’s a small part of him that hopes it hurts.

“What do you want me to say?” Brendon asks.

Spencer wants Brendon to tell him not to get back together with her. He wants Brendon to tell him he’ll break up with Sarah and they’ll try to have an actual adult relationship instead of whatever the fuck it is they’ve been doing all these years. Spencer’s suddenly so tired of everything. He hasn’t felt like this since the final days before Ryan and Jon left.

“Nothing,” Spencer says suddenly determined to finish this once and for all. “I’m only telling you because I want to forgo our arrangement this tour. If I’m giving it another shot with Haley I need to be honest with her and I can’t do that if we’re fucking around behind her back.”

“It didn’t seem to bother you last time,” Brendon snaps.

“I’m not fighting with you,” Spencer says.

He isn’t. He’s so sick of the both of them – of the lying and the cheating and the dishonesty – of wanting someone who’s never going to want him back.

“We’re friends. We’re band-mates. Let’s not let this get any messier than it has to be,” Spencer says.

Brendon says, “Fine,” and orders another drink.

~~~

Brendon goes out in Atlanta and is brought back to the bus by an angry-looking Zack. They’ve never been heavy drug users but Spencer’s done them often enough to know when some is completely coked up. Brendon is fucked out of his mind.

“I have to – If I stay I might kill him,” Zack says.

Zack can be a real prick sometimes but mostly Spencer thinks he deserves a medal for dealing with them and their more batshit fans. Spencer waves him off to his own bus and goes to deal with Brendon.

“Spencer,” Brendon says. “I’ve been thinking about the show -- about what we could do to liven it up and I think back flipping of your riser during _Let’s Kill Tonight_ would be cool -- and we could have drums, me and Ian, at the end all –“

Brendon starts air drumming and jumping around.

Spencer can only hope the crash will come soon. Until then, there’s not much to do but let him ride it out.

Dallon emerges from the back of the bus and quirks his eyebrow at Brendon dancing around.

“Someone’s having fun,” Dallon says.

Brendon starts babbling about his stage ideas, and Dallon just nods along as he makes a sandwich. He steers Brendon toward the couch and puts the sandwich in his hand.

“Eat that,” he says without missing a beat.

Brendon keeps talking even with his mouth full and Spencer is suddenly so thankful for Dallon’s existence that he wants to hug him. It’s an uncharacteristically demonstrative inclination that Spencer just barely suppresses.

“I can babysit if you want to go back to bed,” Spencer says.

Brendon glares at him and says, “I need to pee,” as he darts from the couch to the tiny bus bathroom.

“Honestly, it’s a lot like dealing with a four year old,” Dallon says. “I’m a pro at that if you want to try for some sleep.”

Brendon will start to come down eventually. He’s going to be cranky and useless tomorrow and Spencer’s going to need to be well rested to deal with that.

“If you’re sure you’ll be okay,” Spencer says.

Dallon nods and says, “Bring me my computer would you? I’ll distract him with stupid YouTube videos until he can sleep.”

Brendon’s back by the time Spencer returns with Dallon’s computer.

“Goodnight,” Spencer says.

“Night,” Dallon says already distracted by his computer.

Brendon doesn’t say anything at all.

~~~

Brendon fucks his ankle up in Florida and spends the rest of the tour fucked up on a combo of painkillers and alcohol.

Things only get worse when Haley, Sarah, and Breezy come to visit. Sarah and Breezy are really welcoming to Haley which is nice. Spencer can admit he was a little nervous about having her out. Haley was close to Keltie and Cassie and Spencer really wants her to be comfortable in their new dynamic. 

Unfortunately, Brendon gets drunk almost immediately and starts acting like a dick. He spends most of Haley’s last night with them mentioning some of Spencer’s exploits in the months that he and Haley were apart. Spencer’s about at the end of his rope with Brendon, which is surprising considering it’s a pretty long fucking rope.

When Brendon gets up to get another drink Spencer follows him.

“Fucking stop it,” Spencer says.

“Stop what?” Brendon asks.

“You know, you’re starting to remind me of Ryan’s dad. He was a real asshole when he drank too.”

Brendon downs his whiskey in one swallow and pours himself another one. 

“Well, fuck you too,” Brendon says.

Spencer grabs Brendon around the arm and pulls him into the bathroom. He doesn’t even realize what his intentions are until he’s got Brendon shoved against the bathroom door. He kisses Brendon hard – to the point of pain – and lets out a pleased noise when Brendon kisses him back fiercely.

They’ve never done this – never with both their girlfriends sitting on the other side of the door. Never in a place where they could be discovered by people not already in the know.

Spencer twists his face away from Brendon’s and pants against his neck. He pulls back and they look at each other for a few seconds before Spencer drops to his knees in front of Brendon.

“I swore I wasn’t doing this anymore,” Spencer says.

He unbuckles Brendon’s belt and pushes Brendon’s jeans down far enough to get at his cock. Brendon puts his hand in Spencer’s hair and practically pushes him down on onto his dick. Spencer desperately wishes he didn’t think that was hot.

“You give really good fucking head,” Brendon says.

Spencer hums around Brendon’s dick. He digs his fingers into Brendon’s hips and pulls him closer, letting Brendon’s cock bump against the back of his throat. He still can’t quite believe he’s doing this. This is fucking stupid and fucking dangerous and both of them are so completely fucked.

“And I’m not just saying that because I’m drunk as fuck,” Brendon continues.

Spencer pulls off and takes a deep breath. He wants nothing more than for Brendon to never, ever talk again.

“Shut the fuck up,” Spencer snaps. “Fuck, I hate you.”

He goes back down and swallows around Brendon’s dick and Brendon must really be very drunk because that’s all it takes for him to come. Spencer wasn’t expecting it this soon and he chokes when the first splash of spunk hits his throat. He coughs twice before he spits on the bathroom tiles. 

Brendon slumps against the bathroom door and says, “Thanks.” 

Spencer actually _hates_ him in that moment. He pops the button on his jeans and spits into his hand. He’s too worked up to last much longer than Brendon. They watch one another while Spencer fucks into his own hand.

Brendon watching him jack off is working for Spencer. He’s right on the edge until Brendon says, “You want me to—“ 

Brendon waves his hand at Spencer’s cock unhelpfully.

“I want you to shut up and sit there and look… like you,” Spencer says. “Just stop talking.”

Brendon flips Spencer off but he doesn’t break eye contact and leans against the door with a pout. 

Spencer bites his lip and speeds his hand up on his dick. 

“Yeah?” Brendon asks.

“No, really,” Spencer says, breathless. “Shut. The. Fuck. Up.”

“Whatever,” Brendon says. “You like it.”

“Fuck.” 

Spencer does like it. He likes Brendon when he’s mouthy and irritating and rude and the fact that he knows that doesn’t change anything at all.

“I fucking _hate_ you,” he says again.

“I can tell,” Brendon says.

Brendon drops to his knees next to Spencer and pushes Spencer’s hand out of the way. Spencer fucks up into Brendon’s fist twice more and comes into the palm of Brendon’s hand.

They’re both sitting on a filthy bathroom floor with their cocks hanging out. Spencer imagines they both look wrecked and fucked out. 

“Everyone out there is going to know exactly what we’ve been doing,” Brendon says. 

“We’re both completely fucked up,” Spencer says. “This has to stop.”

This isn’t the first time Spencer’s said something along those lines, but this is the first time they’ve broken their rule with both of their girlfriends less than 100 yards away.

“I’m so tired of this game,” Spencer says.

“Yeah,” Brendon says. “But we keep playing it anyway, don’t we?”

Spencer doesn’t have an answer for that. He gets up off the floor and tucks himself back into his jeans. They both try to clean themselves up in the sink as best they can and then Spencer watches Brendon go back to the table. 

He goes to the bar instead and nurses his drink until Haley comes to find him.

“So,” she says. “Brendon’s being a real prick tonight.”

“I’m so sorry about him.”

Spencer can’t even look her in the eye. He feels like the shittiest person on the planet.

“I’m used to it,” Haley says. “I used to think I was imagining things with you two, but -- I’m not, am I?”

There’s a denial stuck to the tip of Spencer’s tongue but it doesn’t roll off as easily as it used to.

“No,” Spencer says.

Haley has a certain look about her – Midwest home-grown and sweet-faced – that Spencer forgets how tough she can be.

“Fuck you, Spencer. Why did you drag me back into this?”

Spencer doesn’t have any kind of answer that’s going to make this better for her.

“I don’t know. I was lonely, I guess.”

“Brendon gets himself a shiny new girlfriend and suddenly you want to try again.”

She’s not saying anything that isn’t true. She’s not saying anything he doesn’t deserve to hear so Spencer doesn’t say anything at all.

“I’m taking a cab to the hotel to get my things and then I’m going home,” she says. “Don’t fucking call me again.”

Spencer orders another drink and promises himself he’s done letting Brendon fuck his life up.

~~~

Staying away from Brendon is impossible but part of not letting Brendon fuck him up any more than he already has includes not losing the band. Spencer can’t go through that again. He doesn’t think he can stand to lose Brendon so close on the heels of Ryan and Jon. It was supposed to be him and Brendon forever and now everything is going to shit just like before.

He tries to make things better by spending more time with Sarah. She’s not hard to hang out with. There’s nothing _wrong_ with her and she makes Brendon really happy. 

None of this is her fault.

He spends the Fourth at their house and he and Brendon get drunk and light sparklers in the backyard.

“These are lame,” Spencer says.

“Sarah thinks we’ll blow our fingers off with real fireworks,” Brendon says.

“She’s probably right,” Spencer says.

This is maybe the most polite he and Brendon have been to each other in months.

“Not to get serious on you but we need to get past this,” Spencer says.

“Yep,” Brendon says.

He waves his sparkler around in the air. 

“Guess what I’m spelling,” Brendon says.

Spencer follows the pattern Brendon makes with his sparkler. Leave it to Brendon to find a way to apologize without having to actually say the words.

“I’m serious though,” Spencer says. “We can’t keep doing this.”

“I can’t stand Haley,” Brendon says. “I’ve never liked her but I’m sorry about the bar. That shouldn’t have happened.”

“Haley dumped me again,” Spencer says. “So that’s not going to be a problem anymore.”

“You… When did that happen?”

“That night,” Spencer says.

“That was a month ago. Dude, why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because fucking you in the bathroom is the reason she split?”

Brendon sits down on a lawn chair and stares up at the stars.

“We keep doing this and we’re going to get caught,” Spencer says. “You want Sarah walking in on us next time?” 

“You’re right,” Brendon says. 

“Let’s just put it behind us,” Spencer says. “We’re friends first. I feel like we should be able to get back to that again.”

“Yeah,” Brendon says as he picks up his beer and tips the neck toward Spencer’s bottle. “To best friends.”

“To best friends,” Spencer repeats.

Their bottles clink together hollowly.

~~~

Spencer knows there are degrees of normal.

Spencer’s family has been living with his dad’s illness for a while now. It’s always there in the back of his mind, but Spencer manages to shove it away – to forget for long periods of time that there’s a ticking time bomb set to rock through his family. It’s still a shock when Spencer’s mom calls and tells him dad has been hospitalized. Spencer doesn’t think anything will ever be normal again.

Hospital waiting rooms are cold and sterile and terrifying. Spencer holds his sisters’ hands and waits for the doctors to give them any kind of news. Spencer thinks really what they’re waiting for is hope.

The band has to cancel a festival. 

Spencer’s friend Nate fills in for him on Leno.

Everyone is so supportive and wonderful and uncharacteristically nice that it only makes his father’s situation all the more obvious. He thinks he might go crazy thinking about it.

Spencer leaves his sisters and his mother and goes outside to smoke. Hospitals don’t want people to smoke. They want everyone to live forever even if they’re fucking their lives up and the lives of everyone around them – even if their dad is dying.

Spencer pulls out his cellphone and texts Brendon. His phone rings a minute later.

“You okay?” Brendon asks.

“Not really.”

Spencer leans against the bricks of the hospital and lights a cigarette in direct violation of the non-smoking sign over his shoulder.

“What can I do?” Brendon asks.

Everything is so messed up. Spencer keeps his thoughts about Brendon tucked away into all of these different compartments – lover and friend and band mate – when really Spencer wants everything. He wants Brendon to be everything.

“Just stay on the phone with me,” Spencer says.

Brendon sighs and says, “And here I thought you were going to ask me for something difficult.”

Spencer has difficult questions. He has questions that are so tough he can’t even ask them let alone expect Brendon to come up with answers.

“I don’t want him to die,” Spencer says.

Brendon’s quiet for a while. He says, “I wish I was there.”

He doesn’t say, _He’s not going to die_. Spencer’s strangely thankful for that. He doesn’t think he can stand one more platitude today. He truly believes Brendon wants to be here with him.

“I should go back in,” Spencer says.

Brendon says, “I love you, Spence.”

It’s not something he hasn’t heard before. They’ve said it to one another in all the ways but the one that matters most. It’s possible Brendon means it those other ways, but Spencer’s scared and alone and he wants to believe Brendon means it the other way.

“Me too,” he says, and hopes Brendon understands.

~~~

Spencer returns to LA in time for their European tour. His dad is, for the moment, on the mend and Spencer resolves to get back on track -- to work and to play and to find a way to be Brendon’s friend without driving himself crazy.

In Belgium, all of Spencer’s good intentions go to shit.

The tent they’re playing in starts sway on its poles as the wind picks up out of nowhere. Spencer can smell burned ozone and rain before the storm actually hits. The tent loses a couple of tie downs and people start to panic. After that, Spencer doesn’t really know what happens. Everyone runs and he gets separated from the rest of the band. 

He spends the scariest half hour of his life huddled behind a van while trees are uprooted around him. The freak storm is over as quickly as it struck and Spencer is left badly shaken. It’s like he’s frozen in place until he hears Brendon calling his name.

“I’m here,” Spencer calls.

He still can’t move. It’s like his feet are cemented to the ground.

Brendon rounds the front of the van and Spencer’s hands won’t stop shaking. Spencer grabs him and presses him against the side of the van and kisses him the way a man who just had a near death experience should kiss a person.

“You’re okay,” Brendon says. 

He pets the side of Spencer’s neck and keeps mumbling reassurances against Spencer’s mouth until Spencer has stopped shaking.

“I’m okay,” Spencer repeats.

He stops kissing Brendon but he doesn’t let go of Brendon’s hand. Brendon coaxes him out from behind the van and takes him back to where the rest of the band is waiting.

Spencer has to recount the story a few times but there’s still something clawing at Spencer’s insides. He can’t shake the feeling that he almost died. Talking about it isn’t helping.

“I can’t stop thinking about it,” Spencer says.

“Maybe if you wrote it down,” Brendon says. “I don’t know. It helps me. My emotional damage will forever live on in Vices and Virtues.”

Spencer spends half the night hunched over the desk in their hotel room with Brendon passed out on top of the covers of Spencer’s bed.

Around 2 a.m. Dallon knocks on the door with a cup of coffee and croissant.

“You didn’t have to do this,” Spencer tells him.

“We’re the same, you know,” Dallon says. “I like to take care of people too.”

He looks pointedly at Brendon but doesn’t elaborate.

“How’s it going?” he asks tilting his chin toward Spencer’s computer.

“I think I’m almost done,” Spencer says. “I think I’m going to post it. I think -- I don’t know -- I feel better. Brendon was right.”

“He can be pretty perceptive sometimes,” Dallon says.

“Other times he can be a fucking idiot,” Spencer counters.

Dallon says, “Yeah, but can’t we all?”

~~~

They have a day off in Verona. Everyone decides to spend it sightseeing and it’s weird to think of all the different places they’ve been and how little of it they’ve actually seen.

They go to Casa di Giulietta because Dallon insists it would be a tragedy to visit the city of fair Verona and skip Shakespeare’s greatest tragedy. Spencer walks around the house but the whole things seems so stupid to him. He’s always hated Romeo and Juliet – everything about it was so fucking pointless.

He ends up walking down the street aimlessly until he sees a couple of tourists who look like they know what they’re doing. There’s a thick crowd about half a mile up the street and Spencer’s got his cellphone on him if anyone needs to find him. He walks and walks and walks and tries not to think about the last few months.

Spencer hears someone shouting his name and he stops to look back down the street.

Brendon arrives, breathless, a moment later.

“I’ve been yelling at you for a while,” he says.

“I’m going to see what’s up ahead,” Spencer says.

Brendon walks alongside him quietly until they reach a wall covered in ivy with a bust of Shakespeare. There’s a plaque that says _Tomba di Guilietta_.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” Spencer says.

“We’re here,” Brendon says. “We might as well go look.”

The tomb is empty and Spencer knows this is all bullshit. Juliet didn’t really live here. She probably wasn’t real and she and Romeo never fell in love and their families never tore them apart and they didn’t spend what little time they had suffering for one another, but something about the empty tomb makes Spencer’s chest ache.

“Bullshit,” Spencer says.

“I guess,” Brendon says.

“No, it’s bullshit,” Spencer says. “If they had just –“

Spencer turns around and walks out of the tomb. He can’t breathe. He thinks about blaming the tightness in his chest on the Italian summer but he’s a Vegas kid. He can stand the heat.

“Spence,” Brendon says. 

Spencer leans over and spits onto the ground. He imagines this probably what a panic attack feels like.

Brendon puts his hand on Spencer’s back and rubs circles until Spencer feels less dizzy.

“Are you okay?” Brendon asks.

Spencer means to say he’s fine or he’s okay or to otherwise assure Brendon that he hasn’t completely lost his mind but instead he says, “I love you,” which is not untrue but it’s maybe the dumbest thing Spencer has ever done in his entire life. 

He’s ruining everything.

Brendon couldn’t look more shocked if Spencer had pulled out a gun and shot him.

“Say something,” Spencer says.

“I don’t know what to say,” Brendon says.

Spencer is not going to end up like fucking Juliet. He is not a god-damned Shakespearian tragedy.

“Either you love me too or you don’t,” Spencer says. “It’s not that complicated.”

Brendon takes a step forward and says, “It is completely fucking complicated.”

He’s right, of course. They are fucked beyond the telling of it. No one is getting out of this unscathed. Spencer’s been lying to himself about it since he was 16 years old, but he can’t lie anymore.

“Either you love me or you don’t, Brendon.”

Brendon takes another step forward and pulls Spencer in by the back of his neck. He kisses him in the place where Juliet met her tragic demise with tourists milling around taking pictures. Spencer certainly doesn’t mind kissing Brendon but kissing has never been their problem.

“That’s not an answer,” Spencer says, breaking them apart.

“Why didn’t you tell me this two years ago?” Brendon asks. 

All Spencer can remember from two years ago is the pain of watching his entire life fall apart. He found out his dad was sick and then Haley left him and then Ryan and Jon left him too. 

“I didn’t think –“ Spencer starts. 

“Two years ago, Spencer! You were single. I was single. Why didn’t you say anything then?”

The truth is Spencer had been scared. Everything in his life was fucked and he couldn’t stand the thought of losing Brendon.

“I thought I might lose you too,” Spencer says, finally.

Brendon scrubs a hand across his face and says, “Because this way is so much better.”

Spencer doesn’t know. He doesn’t know that things would have been any less messy two years ago. He thinks he and Brendon might simply be the type of people who are terrible at love, but he can’t think of anyone else he’d rather be in it with.

“Brendon, please,” Spencer says. “Will you just—“

“You know I fucking love you,” Brendon says.

And the thing is, Spencer didn’t know. He hoped and he dreamed but he didn’t _know_. 

“I didn’t know,” Spencer says.

Brendon sighs and kisses him again and says, “Well now you do.”

None of this should make Spencer feel any better. There’s still Sarah, and no matter how Brendon feels about him, Spencer knows he hasn’t been faking it with her for over a year. This may actually end up being Spencer’s own tragedy, but knowing he has a chance is better than never knowing at all. Spencer still doesn’t believe in fucking fairy tales and this isn’t one anyway. This is real life -- it’s stupid and messy and people are going to get their hearts broken before it’s all said and done -- but Spencer thinks he just might believe in happy endings after all.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much to Verbyna for the awesome mix. I had a lot of fun writing this story. I hope you like it! Thanks also to Overnighter for the beta. You are wonderful and kind and I appreciate all of your help. <3 This was written for the Bandom Reverse Big Bang Challenge.


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